So one day I was at the dollar store looking for something stupid to buy a classmate for his birthday.  For some reason I saw this Bible sitting there and thought “well, this is the first time I’ve seen The Bible at a dollar store – I wonder if it’s all messed up or translated by a hobo on meth or something”.

It has pretty much the smallest print and cheapest bindings that are legally permissible – but other than that it seemed to be legit.  I was working on another couple of books at the time and figured I’ll tackle this one at a later date.  I did start reading Genesis, but the horrible writing and virtually no plot development made me forget what happened the line earlier – let alone get any sort of continuity from it to learn whatever it was this thing was trying to teach me.

This thing (I think I remember hearing once?) is the most printed and distributed book in history.  But, I’d imagine that very few of those books are actually read by anyone. Are they? I’m not sure, I sure as hell have never read it, though I did spend almost 4 years in university reading about other people’s interpretations of this thing – and getting in all sorts of nasty fights over it too.  Many people I hear talk about ‘The Bible say this or that’, and make a lot of their world views based on what this one book says.  Some fundamentalists believe this book to be special in that nothing has survived so long and was so perfect in its creation.  Ha!  Well, I suppose my definition of perfect differs from that of this book and God’s will, but that’s not important here.

I managed to go 29 years without making any serious effort to read this thing.  Why?  For one the Middle English of King James is archaic and painful to read.  Another is that many of the stories to me seem cryptic or nonsensical.  I wanted to read out here what made sense, what didn’t, ask questions and my feelings on what I’ve read.  So all 4 people who read this thing will read what went through my mind at the exact moment I saw it.  Anyway, I’m bored and have nothing else to do so I’m doing this.

So, what is this book actually saying?  Over thousands of years of mankind a good deal of cerebral effort went into this book in an attempt to make sense of it.  I’m taking this book at face value, and just going at what it says, and what it says to me.  I’m not consulting any other who have spent their lifetime trying to make sense of it because that would be stupid.  If the Bible is the ultimate authority then take it at it’s word – not what some idiotic fat man in a dress and penis hat says about it – though penis hat man does from time to time have fascinating interpretations which I’d agree with.

Why all these interpretations? I think it is because humans, if given enough time, will formulate purpose from anything chaotic.  It is an innate need.  I remember from my first year Anthropology class them discussing an experiment they did on children.  They were singing the song ‘In Excellus deo’ – and after awhile of singing this they were singing ‘In Eggshells they go (something like that)’ – citing this as a need to make sense of the nonsensical.  This was why I didn’t want to consult others before tackling this thing raw.

I’m starting off with the book of Genesis.  Why?  Because you are supposed to start at the beginning and when you get to the end you are supposed to stop.  The Bible most likely isn’t a choose your own adventure book but reads a lot like the Iliad in that it seems like it would have been better off read out loud rather than written down and read personally.  The numbers 3 and 7 come up again and again (popular in ancient Greek mythology).  After Genesis I don’t see anything that different from the core of texts written at around the same time period (which it doesn’t really give any definitive hints to me).  

In time I hope to have the whole thing done and out – afterwards ideally to tackle the Koran and Torah – then off to others time and patience permitting.

Anyway, enough of the intro, let us begin with the beginning, the Book of Genesis!

THE BOOK OF GENESIS

Part 1

1. In the beginning.  I guess this means God made everything.  Is there anything else other than heaven and earth?  Who knows.
2. Ok, so God made a bunch of lifeless goo, then wento into it – or was there goo already around and he shaped the goo, it’s not clear here.  Who made the goo?  Line one suggests God made, but it’s not clear here.
3. ok
4. Why not just divide … what?  He made light – okay, got that.  And darkness was on “the face of the deep (whatever that means)”  So – he made light – then , um, there was still darkness, but still light – then he separated them.  I don’t get this light/darkness thing here.  Still, light = good and dark = bad.  Wait, nope, no where he does he equate dark with being bad.  Not sure how to classify dark now.  Also, there must have been dark before light, so that makes dark older than light.  Whatever, let’s go on.
5. So, light = day.  Dark = night.  Lame.  Oh, I get it, he’s making days separated by evenings and mornings.  Gotcha.
6. “Firmament in the midst of waters, and let it divide the waters from the waters.”  That makes no sense at all.  Is this a way of saying God threw shit in the water?
7. Uggg … what?  He made more shit then?
8. WTF – which firmament is heaven – the one above or below?  Kinda important to know that.
9. OOoOOoh, nevermind, the firmament above is most likely heaven – probably.  So, he made land now?  Didn’t he make land back in para 2?  I’m so confused.
10. He named earth and land (lame).  Land/sea = good.  So far the confirmed good things are land, sea and light.
11. He made plants and shit.  Goes on to describe what plants and fruit are.
12. Everything he made in 11 is good.
13. Okay – we’re on day 3 now.
14. I guess heaven here is outer space.  He set up the seasons and shit too.  I guess motion starts here.
15. Stars (lights in the firmament of heaven).  This makes no sense to me.  Shouldn’t stars come first?
16. He made the sun and moon, then made stars again?? Ugh!
17. I guess he made them then set them up.
18. More good!  Dividing dark and light.  Light is good again.
19. Day 4.
20. Shit that lives in the water and that flies shows up here for some reason.  Ooohh, looks like heaven is the sky too.
21. Winged fowl, whales, all things that moveth show up.  They’re classified as good.
22. He told the animals to fuck and make more animals.
23. Day 5
24. This is stupid.  He makes all things that moveth in day 4, then he decides to make cattle, creeping things, and beasts after.  Don’t they moveth?
25. God said “let us make man.”  Who is “us” ?  That’s plural – is there more than one God – does God have demi-god underlings?  Anyway things that creepth are good.
26. It suggests multiple gods by saying they made man in “our likeness.”  Oh shit!  There’s lots of gods out there!  Oh yea, he made man ruler of earth, basically.
27. God is back to being singular, for some reason.  Are they messing with me?  Man = “in his own image” – whatever that means.  Oh, he made women and men.  The writing here is awful.
28. Basically regurgitates p.20,21,26 again for some reason. He likes to repeat himself (author here). Wait?  Why does man have to subdue something you have been given innate control over?  This makes no sense.
29. I think here he’s telling … ugh … “man” to eat the shit growing. Ok.
30. Is he telling the animals to eat the shit here too?  I’m not sure what’s going on.
31. Everything God made = VERY good.  I guess he sat back, had a beer and looked at his week long project.  (kind of like me and writing out my reading of Genesis).


Big question here – why did God do this?  What was his motivation behind making everything?

Part 2

1. Ok - earth and stars, animals, and people are all done.
2. Day 7 – God relaxed.  Where?  Doing what? Why?  Does he get tired to require rest?  If he gets tired then he’s not so all powerful is he?
3. If God rested on day 7, then that means, um, that everybody rests on day 7. Ok.
4. Heaven(s)?  Are there more than one?  This sentence here makes no sense.
5. What?!  I thought he finished work on day 7, what’s this no weather or man shit?!  Come on, get it together!
6. Says rain, er, mist, went up from the ground then down again.  Ok.
7. This is retarded.  He forgot what happened in part 1, p27 then redid everything.  Man is made from earth dust.  Nonsense.  Oh, and we have souls now.  What is a soul?
8. ugh – Eden is eastward.  Of what?  Whatever, who cares.  They threw some guy in there. I guess this was the only dust/soul man around.
9. The garden = good stuff that looks nice and has magic trees in it (like Life and Knowledge of Good and Evil).  Knowledge of good and evil? What?  So, evil and good must have existed before the creation, God knew about it, then put a magic tree in some garden there with dust/soul man.  Gotcha.

10. So water went out of Eden … ugh … I made a map of it how they described it.  Seriously, that’s the directions to Eden.  So, the Garden is either IN Eden or out of it.  Who knows.  Water comes out of Eden to water the garden, so it must be out, but, God put dust/soul man in Eden so it must be in.  Who knows.

I guess this puts Eden somewhere west of the Middle East.  Nice.

Dust/Soul Man = God’s gardener in Eden.  So – the river’s water the Garden of Eden.  Ok.  And there are 4 rivers that come from those crazy (flowing eastward – probably) directions all to water a huge place or a small place.  Who knows.  

All four rivers water the Garden of Eden, and all 4 cover a pretty large track of land going all over the place.  The whole thing is muddled nonsense.

God said you can eat anything from any tree.  Joking!  Can’t eat the knowledge tree!  Tee hee!  Cause if you do nothing bad will happen – you will just DIE!  What a dick.  Why put it there in the first place?

Man alone = not good.  He needs a helper.

Why write part 1?  I mean he does all the same shit over again.  God doesn’t even name the shit, that lazy bastard, and gives that job to dust/soul man.  Oh, his name is Adam now.  Perhaps Adam is an acronym for some kind of semi-sentient space gardening robot?
Adam named the animals, but still has no help L

God casts sleep on Adam!  It works!  He surgically removed a rib from him (?) and stitched him up.  OOkkkk.

He made a woman out of the rib God took from Adam.  He drugged Adam then removed a body part, then created another humanoid from said part.  This is messed, none of it makes any sense to me at all.

Adam (now that the drugs or spell or whatever has worn off) said something along the lines of “This is from me, and not it’s called woman, because this is from me!”  Adam was obviously retarded.

Uggg … man leaves his mom and dad “cleave on to his wife” (does this mean cleave her with his dick?) – and they will be one moulded flesh.  This is nonsensical and incoherent.

Wait.  Adam and rob-bone lady were now married, for some reason.  Adam and his female genetic twin were married, naked and cool with all that.

Part 3

Enter “the serpent.”  God made this thing and it was the most “subtle” thing ever.  Ok.  Here is the conversation between it and woman-thing:

Serpent – “God told you not to eat from every tree in this place?”
Woman – “nah, we can totally eat anything here.  Well, sorta. Can’t eat or touch from some magic tree here (who knows where), cause he said I’ll die.
Serpent – “Nah, God’s bullshitting you.  He’s afraid that you’ll be smart or some shit, just like Gods (plural again), cause you’ll know good and evil.”

[She, I guess was at this tree now or was teleported there or something, saw it and the fruit looked good]

That was basically all the convincing she needed.  So she ate it, and Adam was around too (why didn’t that idiot speak up?), and when did God tell woman not to eat it, it only says he told Adam.  Anyway, they ate the fruit for some reason, then “the eyes of them both were opened.”

Was this self awareness?  Who knows.  First thing they discovered was that they hated being naked, and made clothes (aprons to be exact) right away.  Ok.  The first people were not nudists.

God was walking around in the garden, and the gardeners decided to hide.

In his infinite knowledge, called out their names asking where they were.  Here is the conversation:

God:  “Where are you?”
Adam:  “I heard you, got afraid, and hid cause I’m naked.”
God:  “Who told you you were naked?!  Did you eat from that one and only tree I wouldn’t let you eat from?   [Question – If God made everything, some things eat fruit, right?  What is a bug ate some of the fruit on that tree?  Is that where super bugs come from?]

Adam: “Not my fault – SHE! (points to wife) made me do it!
God (to woman):  “What did you do?!”
Woman:  “Serpent told me to.”
God(to serpent):  “You suck.  You crawl now and eat dirt.”  (I guess they were something different before, maybe walking snakes or … DINOSAURS! Yes, serpent was a super intelligent dinosaur).

God then makes some obscure threat to man and woman about bruised heads and heels.

God(to woman):  “Child birth now sucks for you.   That’s it.  Oh, and you’re demoted to listen to husband now.”
God(to Adam):  Cause you were stupid enough to listen to your wife, and did this one thing “cursed is the ground for thy sake!” (whatever that means).

I guess that means God made things that are a nuisance for man.  And so, I guess, he forced Adam into re-education by hard labour forever.  And, um, you’ll die someday and go back to being dust.

[that’s the end of that – for some reason].

Adam then called his wife Eve for some reason.  Why?  It says because shes “mother of all living.”  That’s retarded.

He made clothing out of animal skins.  Yay.
God said something like man is like us (plural Gods again).  Sounds like he’s supposed to live forever, but earlier said he’ll die.  Did the garden disappear after he was booted out?  Or teleported to some magic land?  Who knows.

This is crazy.  Ok.  So they kicked out Adam, and put some flaming sword which turned in every direction “to keep the way of the tree of life.”  That made no sense at all.

Part 4

Adam “knew” his wife (MEANS THEY HAD SEX).  So, ugh, she got pregnant, and gave birth to some guy named Cain, then she said “I got a man from the LORD.”  Right – perfectly normal behaviour there.

They had another kid named Abel.  Abel looked after sheep.  Cain looked after farming.  How cute.

Ugh, Cain grew stuff and offered some to God (like God cared).

Abel did something along the lines of giving offerings to God.  And God likes flesh of the living so he was okay with sheep parts.

God thought Cain was a fag and showed no respect to him or his stupid farming, and this pissed Cain off.

God was confused why Cain was so angry (God is pretty stupid concerning the feelings of mortals).

God’s excuse was something along the lines of “piss off, be happy for what you have!”

That really pissed off Cain, so he went and murdered his brother Abel.  Here is the conversation between Cain and God:

God:  “Where’s Abel?”
Cain:  “I dunno, I’m not his boss.”
God:  “Fuck, he’s dead, I hear him screaming at me from beyond the grave!”  (So, when you die, you go underground and yell at God, and he can hear you.)  “Fuck you Cain – now your life is really gonna suck, now I’m gonna make your life a living hell.”
Cain:  “Fuck my shit life.”
God then gives the okay for anyone nearby to kill him.  Bit of a round a bout way of doing things if you ask me.  Was that the worst he could do?  Makes bad harvests and then put a death mark on him?  Pfft, I’ve had worse for doing less.

Cain buggered off to the Land of Nob (heh) – east of Eden.  (Seems everything was east of Eden back then).

Cain somehow found another woman, married her, had sex, then had a kid named Enoch.  They built a city (with 3 people?!) and named the city Enoch.  My brain hurts thinking how 2 humans originally came to this, I’m not going to think about it.

The idea of Adam being the first man makes no sense, since earlier God made plenty of people.  Regardless, I have no idea where all these people came from.

Enoch had Irad, who had Mehujael who had Methusael who had Lamech.

Lamech was a pimp with two bitches – Adah and Zillah.

Adah had Jabal (father of tent people) “of such have cattle” and Jubal (father of harp/organ people).  The translation here is crap.

Zillah had Tubal-cain (instructor of people who made brass and iron) and Naamah.

So, Cain totally got away with murdering his brother.  No one killed him and God’s punishment was totally lame and stupid and did nothing.

I like Lamech’s speech to his bitches, here it is:  “Adah and Zillah.  Hear my voice; ye wives of Lamech (people who speak about themselves in the third person are badasses in my opinion), hearken unto my speech; for I have slain a man to my wounding, and a young man to my hurt.”  Not sure what the last part means, I just got that he totally killed some bitch punk.

Oh, Lamech is so dead now!  If Cain was fucked for his brother, Lamech is gonna get it real bad! (gasp!)

Anyway, back to Adam.  He had another kid named Seth.  Eve was cool with having a replacement for Abel.  This makes no sense whatsoever.

Seth had a kid named Enos.  I think Enos was a witch doctor or something.

Part 5

Apparently this part is supposed to talk about Adam’s spawn.

Yes, we know this part about God making them.  Stop repeating yourself Bible!

Adam lived to be 130 – had Seth (we know this!)

Ugh, 800 years go by and they have kids (??).

So Adam lived to be 930 years old.  Oh, I get it.  He was 130 when Seth was born, and 930 when he died.  Ok.

Seth had his kid Enos when he was a young pup at the age of 105.

Add another 807 years and Seth died at the age of 912 years.

At 90 Enos had Cainan.  He lived till he was (815 + 90), um, 905 years.  At 75 Cainen had Mahalaleel, died at the age of (um, 840 + 75) 910 (ok).  Mahalaleel had Jared when he was 65, died when he was 830.  Jared had Enoch when he was 162, died at 962 years young.  Enoch had Methuselah when he was 65, died when he was 365 years old.  Something about Enoch walking with God.  Not sure what that was about.

Methuselah had Lamech when he was 807, died when he was 969 years old (some of the math doesn’t add up here).  Lamech had Noah when he was 182. Lamech thought Noah would make his shitty life less shitty.

Lamech died when he was 777 years old.  Noah had 3 kids when he was 500 – named Shem, Ham, and Japheth.

Part 6

All these people, I guess, interbred to make lots more people.  Okay.  God said “Fuck you people and your flesh, 120 damn it!!”  Makes sense.

Oh, people had sex with giants and their kids were pretty cool.

God was really pissed now, cause his Plan to make everyone depressed and emo failed.  He hated people because they only thought bad thoughts.

God grew emo and depressed.

He then lashed out, like an angry teenager, and vowed to kill everyone/everything for not being emo like him.

Noah was emo too and God liked him.

Noah’s kids are like this:  (Yes we know their names, the bible repeats them again because it’s trying to make us go insane by reading it).

Okay, so God was pissed and hated his creation for having fun, and totally told Noah that he was so pissed and he was gonna totally kill everything.

God told Noah to make an Ark of gopher woos, and make rooms with lots of pitch all over everything.

God gave blueprints or something.  All in cubits (about 51.86cm long back then was 1 cubit).  The Ark was about 300 cubits long (510 feet), 50 cubits wide (85 feet) and 30 cubits high (51 feet.)  I guess it was big long ago.  Today that would be about the size of a lobster boat.

God pretty much micromanaged the whole thing.  I mean, he let Adam name everything, but didn’t trust Noah to have any artistic impression at all.

Why does God want to kill everybody, but just tell Noah?  It doesn’t say here.

God said ‘I’m going to kill you all.  Except you Noah, you’re cool.  Take 2 of every animal and bring it on the boat.”  (makes no sense, why not selectively kill the bad people?  You suck God!)

Ok, so Noah listened to God and did all the weird shit he asked him to do.

Part 7

God said “You’re cool Noah, get on the stupid boat. Take 7 of each clean beast (which are…?) and 2 of the dirty ones (??).  7 of each bird plus some seed grain too.”

When Noah was 600 years, 2 months and 7 days old “all the fountains of the great deep broken up, and the windows of heaven were opened.”  WTF does that mean? It rained more?

Rained 40 days and nights.

For some reason the whole story repeats itself again from the beginning.  Very annoying.

Seems like they just chilled outside while it rained, then after day 40 the wakes were high enough to raise it.  This is so poorly written I want to cry.

Everything got flooded under 15 cubits of water, lots under died.  Basically, everything died that breathed air.

Everything died and the water remained 150 days after for some reason.

Part 8

God suddenly remembered Noah (was he high?) and the waters went away with some blowing wind.

Rain stopped after 150 days.

After 7 months, 7 days the Ark rested on Mt. Ararat. The water didn’t just go away, they drained off slowly for 3 months.  After 10 months, 1 day they could see the tops of the mountains.

Zoom back to Noah after 40 days – he opened a window then threw a raven out to look for land.

He then threw a dove out to look – Dove couldn’t find anything.

A week later he sent the dove out again.  Dove came back with a olive leaf in it’s beak, so that’s a good sign. (this is insane)
7 days later (why?!) he sent the dove out again (WHY?!!) and it didn’t come back.

When Noah was 601 years old, 1 month 1 day, he decided he should look outside and saw he was ok on dry land.  Moron.

Month 2, day 27 of the year – the earth dried.

Noah, unable to make decisions for himself, waited till God told him it was okay to leave the boat.  He left after God said it was ok.

Blablabla Noah unloaded the boat, built an altar and gave burnt offerings to appease a hungry God.

God was okay with this and said he was totally done with killing everything (for NOW).

Part 9

God said something along the lines of “you are the top of the food chain, but don’t eat each other.”

God said he thrives on human and animal blood.

God told people not to shed blood of other people, or else their blood be shed.  He then told people to have sex and have kids.

Good repeats himself again and says he’s done killing everything (from only floods this time).

Ugh – God says his sign is a bow over clouds, and seeing that bow shall be seen in it.  (WTF).  I don’t remember seeing a bow on any cloud, and I’ve seen lots of clouds.  This is stupid.  God said he would remember it, and that it’s a token of his remembrance.  I’ve never seen a magic sky bow over clouds before – did God forget about his promise?

Blablabla Noah’s kid Ham is the father of Canaan (that’s nice).

Noah becomes a dude that raises animals, and he grew a vineyard for wine.

One day Noah got wasted on wine and past out naked in his tent.

Ham saw his dad past out and told his bros.

The bros Shem and Japeth walked into their dad’s tent backwards (to avoid looking at their old gross drunk naked dad) and threw a blanket on him.

Noah woke up really hungover and pissed off about this blanket situation for some reason.  Noah was a drunken ass.

So he cursed Canaan (Ham’s kids?  Fair response) and made sure he was to become a servant.  Noah was an asshole.

He made Canaan servant to Shem (no idea why).

Japeth got Canaan to be his bitch too.

The old bastard lived another 350 years, died at the age of 950.

Part 10

Sons of Noah (Shem, Ham, Japeth) – repeats Noah’s kids name (okay).

Japeth – he had Gomer (this guy had Ashkenaz, Riphath and Togarmah), Magog, Mudai, Javan (this guy had Elishah, Tarashish, Kittim, Dodanim), Tubal, Meshech, and finally Tiras.

Says these guys broke up and spread around a bit to speak differently blablabla.

Ham – he had Cush (this guy had Seba, Havilah, Sabtah, Raamah [who had Sheba, Dedan] and Sabtechah), Mizraim, Phut, Canaan.

Oh, Cush also spawned Nimrod (he was a badass)

Now let’s talk about Nimrod’s badassness;

Said he was a mighty huntard.

I guess he built cities or something too.  Notable successes were the cities of Babel, Erech, Accad, Calneth (in the land of Shinar no less – wherever the hell these long dead places are now I don’t know), Asshur, Nineveh, Rehoboth, Calah, Resen (nice places in their day it seems).

Subject changes again for no reason back to Ham’s spawnlings.

Mizraim – he had Ludin, Anamim, Lehabim, and Napthuhim, Pathrusim, Casluhim (he had Philistim), and finally Caphtorim (seriously, who cares about all these losers?)

Canaan – he had Sidon (1st kid), Heth, Jebusite, Amorite, Girgasite (beautiful name), Hivite (Human Immunodeficiency Virus-ite ?), Arkite, Sinite, Arvadite, Zemarite, Hamathise (families of Canaanites spread out from wherever the hell they came from).

I guess the families of Canaan (Canaanites) moved to expand to come between the borders of these places:  Sidon, Gerar, Gaza, Sodom & Gomorrah, Adamh, Zeboim and Lasha.

That means nothing to me.  And it wasn’t Canaan servant to Shem and Japeth?  How did he get this huge fucking empire to spread out if he was busy giving his uncles foot baths?

That concludes Ham’s kids and prodigy (phew!)

Oh yea, if God killed everyone in the flood, why where there so many kingdoms not related to Noah’s family around when they came about?  Seems like this flood only effected a small area.  Anyway, off to talk about Shem and his Spawn.

Basically, everyone from Eber is Shem’s spawn.  Named people from him include “Elam, Asshur, Arphaxad (had Uz [nice name] – and Uz had Hul, Gether, Mash [another nice name]), Lud and Aram (who had Salah who had Eber who had Peleg (“For in his days was the earth divided” [wtf does that mean?!]) and Joktan).

Joktan – had Almodad (the father of tickle me Elmo), Sheleph, Hazarmaveth, Jerah, Hadoram, Uzal, Piklah (nice), Obal, Abimael, Sheba, Ophir, Havilah, Jobab.

They lived, ugh, at Mesha, which is near Mt. Sephar (modern day Mt. Sabber in SW Arabia – maybe? – who knows).

Part 11

So, it says everyone spoke the same language back then.

“They” (who are??) went from the east and stayed in some plain in Shinar (who knows where that is).

Out of nowhere, they said “Let us make brick!” So, they did.  Idiots.  They used slime for mortar.

They decided to make a city with a tower and name it because they were afraid of being wiped out.

God paid a visit, and gave them a pat on the back.

Line 6-9 I have no idea what’s going on here.  He’s okay with the language and city thing.  Then scatters everyone away just to mess with everybody for no other reason than to mess with them, then an empty city is named Babel (babble), for no reason.  Wait, oh, he named it Babel because “The LORD did there confound the language of all the earth;” – which makes absolutely no sense at all.

So they made a city.  God showed up, told it like it was, scattered everyone to the 4 winds for some weird obscure reason, then named brick and slime city Babel (which I think had no one left in it because everyone was just scattered).

But fuck it, let’s change the subject randomly and talk about Shem’s family;

Shem (at the age of 100) had – Arphaxed (2 years after the flood).  Ugh, I think Shem lived to be 500.  He had more kids, but who cares what their named are (they weren’t listed).

Arphaxad – when he was 35 he had Salah.  I think he lived to be 438, but it’s confusing here.  Same thing, Bible just mentions (uh, he had other kids too)  This happens a lot here – well with everyone, basically.

Salah – When he was 30 he had Eber.  When Eber was 34 he had Peleg.  Eber died when he was 464.

Peleg – When he was 30 he had Reu, died when he was 239.

Reu had Serug (I think there was a character named that in Heroes of Might and Magic 3 [best turned based fantasy game every made]) when he was 32, died at the age of 239.

Serug had Nahor when he was 30, died at the age of 230.

Nahor had Terah when he was 29, died at the age of 148.  (Notice how they keep dying at progressively younger and younger ages?)

Terah had Abram, Nahor Haran (who had Lot when he was 70).

Haran died before his dad did in the land where he was born in Ur of the Chaldees (that sucks – not sure what that means but it sounds bad).

ABRAM!  His wifes – Sarai (no kids?)
Nahor’s wife – Milcah (Haran’s daughter).  This is all incestuous and the lineage makes no sense to me.

It said Terah died in Haran.  Haran is a dude that died in Ur. So, was Terah wearing Haran’s skin as a coat when he died?  Who knows the specifics.  I guess Haran is both a man and a place, kind of like how Paris Hilton’s first name is a name and a place.

I dunno – these group of weirdos all intermarried and moved off somewhere (some went to Ur of the Chaldees to the lands of Canaan – blablabla we covered that earlier).

Part 12

God told Abram to move everything, for whatever reason we will never know.

He sweetened the deal by promising Abram power and wealth.  Nice one God.

When Abram was 75 he moved from Haran, took Lot with him, his wife Serai, all their shit and went to Canaan Land.

They moved through Sichem to the plain of Moreh (ominous sounding).  “The Canaanite was then in the land.”

This is annoying.  Why does the Bible italicize random words?  This is stupid and confuses me.  Does “was” mean anything special?  What’s so special about the word “was”?  Agh!

God showed to to Abram and said “Stay here.”

Abram say God, built an altar, then saw God again.  He ran to the mountain (why?) – which was the east side of Beth-el (ok), Hai on the west (ok), he built another altar for some reason.  Then Abram headed south (why?).

South was a shit hole, so he went to Egypt, still a shit hole with no food.

When he got close to Egypt, he told his wife that she was hot and sexy (romantic).  He was worried that they would kill his ugly ass and leave her alone.  So he told her to pretend to be his sister so they don’t kill him.  (bizarre).

The ruse worked.  The Egyptians thought she was hot, so they gave Abram lots of stuff.  God then plagued Pharaoh and fucked his shit up.  Heh.  Pharaoh asked Abram why he did this and why he didn’t tell him the truth.

For some reason, Pharaoh gave Abram his own wife plus all of his other shit, then booted him out.

That was absolute insanity.

What kind of great plagues?  Crotch rot?  AIDS? Why?  They tricked Pharaoh, how can God punish him for being tricked and not punish Abram for lying?

Anyway – Abram buggered off.

Part 13

Abram took his shit south out of Egypt.  He had lots of loot after getting his boy God to plague him into hawking up the cash.

He went back to Bethel – saw his old altar there – but as before, the land there sucked ass.

Ok – so they started bickering amongst each other.  Abram and Lot split up – Lot took the east (Jordan), Abram took the west (Canaan).

These guys hated the people of Sodom for some reason.

He moved to some crap hole named Mamre.  “Which is Hebron.”  Again with these stupid italics.  It’s very annoying.  Who cares if the meaning changed over time.  Really, words like “is” and “he” can’t change that much, and if they did then seriously that fucks up much of the rest of the translation.

Part 14

Okay – now let’s talk about four random kings for some reason.

1. Ampraphel (city of Shinar)  2.  Arioch (Ellashar)  3.  Chedorlaomer (Elam) 4. “Tidal King of Nations” (?? That’s not a name or a place stooped!!).

So, the dudes mentioned above fought a war with these guys:  1. Bera (city of Sodom) 2. Birsha (Gomorrah) 3. Shinab (Adamah) 4. Shemeber (Zeboiim) and 5. Zoar (Bela)

The guys in line worked for the Chedorlaomer then rebelled after 13 years (ok?).

Year 14 came around, then they did some smoting.  These people smoted in all these listed places:
1. Rephaims (Ashteroh Karnaim)  2.  Zuzims (Ham) 3. Emims (Saveh Kirathaim) 4. Horites (Mt. Seir) and 5. Amalekites (Kadesh).

Big battle with errbody at some place named Siddim happens.  It had lots of slime pits, so naturally Sodom/Gomorrah’s kings ran away (??).

Uhm, so the other side took the spoils and went home. I think Sodom/Gomorrah’s guys captured Lot on their way home, which pissed off Abram.

Abram trained 318 dudes/servants and ran after to get Lot back, to someplace named Dan.

They did some smoting (night raids) – and chased off the bad guys to Hobah (the left hand?) of Damascus.

They got back to Lot finally.

This makes no sense to me.  Seems like Sodom rallied the troops and set off after Abram (?).  But the wording here is terrible.

The King od Salem – he was nice to Abram.  Anyway, from how I read this, Sodom said “hand over the people, keep the loot” to which Abram replied “no.”

Part 15

God (to Abram): “it’s cool he’ll look after you.”

Abram (to God): “Fuck you God, I have no kids, and some loser from Damascus is looking after my shit”

God: “Okay – you’ll have kids now.”

Abram: “Okay.”

God:  “I told you this place is gonna be yours.”

Abram:  “I don’t believe you.”

God:  “Get me a three year old cow, 3 year old goat, ram, turtle dove and pidgeon.” (wtf)

I think Abram killed these animals, and the next day he was chasing vultures or whatever from the carcasses and Abram passed out at night.

God spoke again (nonsense) “Your kids will be losers for 400 years.  It’s cool, I’ll kill them for you, eventually.  They’ll be okay after that.  Go die now.”

To recap, Abram killed some animals and slept, then had the idea that all the land between the Nile (here called ‘river of Egypt’ I’ll go out on a limb here and call it the Nile) and Euphrates was his.  That’s it.

Part 16

Remember from before that Abram’s wife couldn’t have kids?  Well, she let him bang the maid (Hagar), and she got preggers.  Idiot wife Sarai got mad at this (women, ugh), beat Hagar then chased her off (crazy bitch).

Some angel told Hagar to come back (ok?).  Anyway God or whoever told Hagar to name her kid (son) Ishmael, and well, that’s what happened.

Part 17

Skip ahead to when Abram is 99 – God came and said “I AM ALMIGHTY GOD!!!! WALK BEFORE ME!!! AND BE THOU PERFECT!!!”

God reiterated that Abram was bound for greatness, then said his old name of Abram was stupid and his new one was Abraham.

God (to Abraham) “Blablabla you’re awesome now. Oh, right – you know that bit of skin on the end of men’s dicks? Foreskin?  Yea, cut that off, as, um, proof that we’re cool. Oh yea, if you buy or make a kid, do it when they’re 8 days old.”
(God is fucked in the head).

“If you’re not circumcised you are a soulless monster.” – God.

God:  “ “Your kid Oh, and Serai (your wife) her name is retarded too, name her Sarah now.  She’s totally pregnant with your kid now (wink wink).”

Ishmael will be a baller” – God

“Oh yea, your unborn son is named Isaac, by the way.”

“Peace out.” – Then God took off after dropping all those bombs.

So, basically, God shows up, slightly renamed two 99 year old adults, got the 99 year old woman pregnant, named that unborn kid Isaac, and then told everyone to cut parts of their dicks off – then disappeared.

Thus began the dick cutting ceremony – yay.

Part 18

 God showed up again and sat down at a tent door.

Dudes saw this and prostrated themselves.  They washed his feet, gave him bread, and did a bunch of shit you do whenever some important guest shows up uninvited.

Oh, right, this is a repeat of the old lady (Sarah – previously known as Serai).  Basically went like this:

God – “Sarah – you are preggers now.”

Sarah – “Uh-huh.  I’m too old for kids, idiot.”

God – “I’m God, I do what I want.”

God then went off to “take care” of Sodom and Gomorrah.  Abraham didn’t like the idea of the innocent being killed along with the guilty.  God said if he could find 50 good people there he will leave it alone.  Wait, no, 40, no, 30, no, 20, no 10.  Yeah, 10 is a better number.  10 people.  If he finds 10 good people there he’ll spare it.

God sent two of his goons down to scope Sodom out.  Lot was there and suggested the goons amscray.  Goons were hardcore and vowed to hang out in the street all night.

The locals were a bunch of asshats.  They heard about visiting goons and wanted to see them at Lot’s house.  Instead of handing them over, Lot offered his 2 virgin daughters instead (why?  The crowd just wanted to meet the strangers, they didn’t say they were going to be killed or anything – other than the potential meeting with these idiotic peasants would have been unpleasant.)

The crowd got pissed at Lot and tried to break into the house.  I think the goons went out and killed the people in the crowd.  They warned Lot to make like a banana and leaf, because things were about to get real ugly in Sodom.

I think Lot and his family (who were all inbred) were either booted from the city or tossed out – not sure.  The goons helped.  They told Lot to run to the mountain nearby, Lot was too scared to go, so he ran to some place named Zoar (I think).

Next day Lot made it to Zoar, and God destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah with “brime stone and fire.”

I think Lot’s wife looked behind her to see God murdering people, so he turned her into a pillar of salt (nice one, real fair.)

Abraham just walked in and over ran the place – easy peasy.

Lot went insane, ran out of Zoar, and lived in a mountain cave with his 2 sexy virgin daughters.

The daughters got Lot drunk and they have crazy drunk incest 3some sex in a cave.  Hot.  Oh wait, only one banged her dad.  Whatever.  Next night kid two banged their dad and both got pregnant.

One had a boy named Moab (Moabites!) the other Ben-ammi (Patriarch of the Ammons).

Part 20

Abraham continued his path of conquest south to some place named gerar.  He used the old lie that Sarah was his sister, and the nasty king Abimelech was about to bang Sarah’s wrinkly ass.

God hates it when people try to bang Sarah (remember Pharaoh?)  And also I think he had a thing for her because I think he banged her and made Ishmael – anyway. God called Amimelech a “dead man!”

The king said he never touched the old bag (true story), but God told him that she’s taken and not to fuck with that.

Hoho!  So Abimelech got up early, went to Abraham and freaked out over this.  I think the conversation went like this:

Abi – “You moron!  God hates me now, we’re all gonna die!!  What did you do?!!”

Abraham “You looked like dirty heathens who would kill me if you found out I was married.  But it gets better!  She IS my sister, that’s true, well, half sister, so it’s basically not totally gross we’re married.  So I didn’t lie, haha!”

This is like something from one of those daytime talk shows like Maury Povich or Montel.

Abimelech gave Abraham a bunch of shit and they buggered off – the old “sister/wife” trick pays off again!

Yea, god made all of Abimelech’s women infertile and made them all sick, but after that torture God was paid off with 1000 pieces of silver and free reign to live in Abimelech’s kingdom.

To hell with parliamentary procedure!  Burn all who gets in the way of God!!

Part 21

God visited his old girlfriend, Sarah, and had makeup sex.

Isaac was born, circumcised (8 days later), Abraham was 100 years old, old lady Sarah could breast feed magically.

Now Sarah is a bitch.  Now that she had her own kid, they booted out Hagar and her son.  God gave her a consolation prize of some nation.

Hagar and kid wandered the wilderness alone and with no food or water.  Sarah was a bitch.

Hagar wandered, drank any water she had on her, then tossed the kid into a shrub, walked a bit, then stopped to cry because her kid was in a shrub dying (kid was just an infant).

God heard her cries and answered:  “Hey there, having a little problem are we?  Don’t worry, I’m here with you in spirit!  I won’t help that much though – haw haw.  Just kidding, here you go.”  Then a fountain appeared.

They had a good drink of water and continued on their journey.  The boy turned out to be an archer, the mom went and got him an Egyptian wife.

After awhile, they king Abimelech and his lieutenant Phichol came to talk with (or to) Abraham.

Abi:  “Don’t fuck with me Abraham, we know you like to lie.”

Abraham:  “No problems here.”

There was a scuffle over a water well between Abimelech’s and Abrahams flunkies.  Abraham was pissed over this, and Abilemelech claimed he knew nothing.

Abraham gave the king sheep and oxen and both buggered off.

For some reason Abraham sent 7 female lambs, separated them and kept them that way (this was sen earlier when Abram killed a bunch of animals then slept).

Abimelech wondered why he did this, and Abraham said it was to prove he dug the well (this is nonsense).  For some reason they called this place Beer-sheba, planted a grove there, then buggered off.  (were they all high?)

Part 22

God spent some time harassing Abraham, then out of boredom or lunacy asked Abraham to take his son up to the mountains and offer him something burnt. (ok)

Abraham got up early, drove his donkey and took along 2 young servants and his son up to where God told him to go.  They just sat up there 3 freakin days (here goes the #3 again).

Abraham was obviously manic, and told his servants to wait while he took his son “yonder to worship.”  And, um, they’ll be right back.

So, Abraham made a burnt offering, took the wood from that and laid it on his kid, had a fire in one arm and knife in another.

…what am I reading?  Uh, a conversation happened, like this:

Isaac (to Abe):  “Dad, I’m here, the fire and wood is here, where’s the sacrificial lamb?”

Abe:  “Oh (ominous cackling) God will provide one!”

Abe set up an altar, tied his kid up then threw him on it.

Abraham raised the knife!

Just went he was gonna waste his son, God showed up and told him killing the boy wasn’t necessary.

A ram appeared stuck in some thorns, so Abe killed and burnt that to appease God instead.

That day God had no hunger for human flesh.

The place where that happened is called Jehovah-jirah.  God later said something along the lines that he appreciated Abraham’s gusto, and promised him again the same bullshit promise about his kids outnumbering the stars in heaven, and him owning everything.

Anyway, they went back to camp.  Uneventful trip.

Abraham heard that his bro Nahor has kids now (Huz, Buz, Kemuel (who had Aram), Chesed, Hazo, Pildash, Jidlaph, bethuel (who had Rebekah).

Oh yea, Nahor’s concubine had Reumah, tebah, Gaham, Thahash, Maachah).

Everyone deserves at least one concubine.

Part 23

Let’s talk about that bitch Sarah.  She was 127 years old, died in Kirjath-arba.  Abraham was sad when she died.  They were married for at least 100 years.  Anyway he made this speech at her funeral:

“Give me something to throw my corpse in, so I can bury my dead out of my sight (this makes no sense).  Ask Ephron to throw my corpse in a cave, no THE CAVE OF MACHPELAH, I’ll pay him for it, it’s on his land.”

Beautiful speech.  Ephron was a nice guy, and in front of everyone he not only let him use the cave, but gave the field away too!  Wowzers!

Abraham wanted to pay him for it, he said “ok, it’s worth 400 shekels of silver”  Abraham agreed and paid the guy and that was that.

Anyway, they buried Sarah there, and that’s how they got that cave.

So this Sarah died an old lady.  Abraham bought a cave to throw her in.  The end.

Part 24

Old man Abraham told his oldest servant to put their hand under his thigh (?!)

With his hand under the thigh, the servant had to swear that he was to give a wife to his kid Isaac.

Servant had some reservations about the woman not wanting to leave to never return.

Abraham warned servant that if his son comes back, bad things will happen to servant.

Abe went on a rant about his comings and goings, and said whatever you do, don’t bring his son back here!

Did people in the ancient holy land give oaths by giving each other hand jobs?

Anyway, the servant took all of Abraham’s wealth and made a trip to Nahor.

So, the servant waited by a well to scope out the girls to see if one would make a decent bride for Isaac.  I guess today would be the same as me…er..any guy hiding outside of a hot yoga club to check out who was leaving to see if they were worth a try.

Here is one of the worst pieces of writing I have ever read:

“Let down thy pitcher, I pray thee, that I may drink; and she shall say, Drink, and I will give thy camels drink also; let the same be she that thou hast appointed for thy servant Isaac; and they thereby I know that thou hast shewed kindness unto my master.”

Pretty ridicilious and not exactly setting the bar high here.

Ok – so he met some girl there, she gave him water and helped water the camels.  Her pimp or whatever asked servant what’s up.

He put a huge golden earring, 2 bracelets on her hands, 10 shekals of gold on her too.

This impressed somebody and servant asked her if he could stay at her place that night.

She said she was “daughter of Bethuel the son of Milcah.”

Anyway, they went back to her place to talk turkey, I think.  I guess her name was Rebekah, whose brother was Laban.

He welcomed servant in to the house.  They got cleaned, but didn’t eat until they worked out the marriage agreements.

He basically regurgitated his story again from Abraham, and was ready to deal.  Laban basically said:  “Oh, this is God’s will?  Okay then – Rebekah!  Off you go!”  

Servant paid her family off with some gold and shit.  He and his guys (I guess he had guys with him all along – didn’t mention that earlier) ate and drank a lot.  Next day, they were ready to go, but the family wanted 10 more days with her.  This pissed servant off.

From reading this – it seemed all the people here were pushy and annoying.  I guess not much has changed in the Middle East since then.

They (Rebekah’s family) wanted to ask the girl.  She was okay to leave right away, so they did take her, her sister, and her nurse.

I guess human population was not such a problem then as it was today, as a blessing was (to Rebekah) “be thou mother of thousands of millions, and let thy seed possess the fate to all which hate them.”

I guess Rebekah had damsels come with her too.  Anyway, they took off.

Isaac came from Lahai-roi, went out at eventide to some field to meditate.  He looked up and saw some camels and walked up to meet them.

Rebekah saw this, jumped off the camel and covered her face (she didn’t want him to see her before they got married – still kinda practiced today during wedding ceremonies).

Long story short they got married, had a good time, and Isaac’s mom died in the process.

Part 25

The old bastard Abraham got married again, this time to a girl named Keturah, and they had lots of kids.

Kiturah’s kids – Zimran, Jokshan (who had Sheba [common name], Redan), Medan (who had Epah, Epher, Hamoch, Abidath, Eldaah), ishbak, Shunah.

Her kid’s kids had kids – Dedan (Asshurim, Lethushim, Leummim).

Anyway, everything went to Isaac.  Abraham had concubines and he gave them parting gifts and shooed them away.  Isaac lived to the east of Abraham.

Ok, now more on Abraham!

He lived to be 375.  I don’t know what this mean be he “gave up the ghost”  I guess that means he died.

Him and his kids Isaac and Ishmael buried him in that cave the family purchased for 400 silver a few pages ago.

That’s the end of the show for Abraham.

Isaac was next in line, but first let’s talk about Ishmael.

He had kids (Nebajoth, Kedar, Adbeel, Mibsum, Mishma, Dumah, Massa (no massa!  Don’t hurt me!), hadar, Tema, Jetur, Naphish, Kedemah).

He lived to be 137.  Says he died owning a bit of land and it was ok for him.

No Isaac:  He was 40 when he married Rebekah.  I guess they had problems conceiving, but did so eventually with help of modern medicine, wait, no, God.

I think she had twins who were giving her problems, and asked God what’s up.

God said that 2 nations were in her womb, the older weak one and the younger strong one.  The strong will be served by the weak (bizarre statement.

1st was born all red colored, named Esau.  Bro came out holding onto Esau’s ankle, that one was called Jacob.

Took them 20 years of marriage to have those kids.  Esau became a hunter/farmer.  Jacob was a momma’s boy.  Dad (Isaac) loved hunter Esau, mom (Rebekah) loved Jacob.

Jacob was a shithead.  His brother cam back one day starving and asked for food.  Jacob said only if you give up your birthright.  He was so hungry he agreed, got fed, and left Jacob the HNIC.

Part 26

Famine!  Isaac went up to Abimelech (Oh, he’s king of the Philistines btw).

God told them not to go to Egypt, that he messed up and would keep his oath to Abraham about the no famine thingy.  Come on God, way to drop the ball here!

God again promised this guy a million blessed seeds.

Ok, so Isaac went to Gerar, did the “my wife is my sister” thing, and was totally called out on this by Abimelech (fool me once!).  he then chastised him for trying to get God’s wrath on him.

Abimelech then issued an order to his people to leave him alone or else they’ll be dead.

Anyway, next year was a good harvest year for Isaac.  He was getting too big, and pissing off Abimelech.  He and his goons filled in a bunch of Abraham’s old wells, and then banished Isaac.

He left then went to Gerar, and redug lots of wells.  Wells they dug were:  1. Esek 2. Sitnah 3. Rehoboth

They then went out to Beer-sheba and God showed up once again.  At night.  All he did was say “It’s me, God.”

So that place they made an altar and dug a well.

Abimelech, and his head goon Phichol showed up to harass Isaac again.

Isaac “What are you doing here, I thought you hated and banished me!”

Them “We saw God was on your side, so we’re no longer angry with you.  Please don’t sick God on us, we bid you to leave in peace and we’re oh so good!”

Ok – so they fed the guys and sent them home.  The well had water, and became the city of Sheba.

Remember Esau?  The guy who gave up his inheritance for a bowl of gruel?

Well, he married some girls – one name Judith another named bashemath (both Hitties).  This pissed off mom and dad.

Part 27

Isaac is now old and can barely see.  I think he’s blind.  His son Esau was visiting.

Isaac:  “My son.”

Esau:  “Here I am.”

Isaac:  “I’m old.  Kill me some meat.”

Esau: “Ok.”

So, out he went.  Rebekah heard this, went to her favourite kid Jacob, and hatched a plan to kill two goats and feed dad that so he will be blessed instead of Esau.

Um … Jacob remarks that he’s smooth and Esau is hairy and will know it’s me, not him, bringing food.

Rebekah told Jacob to shut the fuck up and do it anyway.  She took one of Esau’s clothes and dressed Jacob up in it.  Plan ok so far.

Stupid plan with no purpose, but whatever.  Anyway, Jacob came in and introduced himself as Esau.

Jacob: “It’s a me, Esau!”

Isaac:  “You’re back fast! Come here, let yer old dad cop a feel!  Hmmm …. Sounds like Jacob, feels like Esau!  Ok – consider yourself blessed!  Wait, you are really Esau?”

Jacob:  “Yup”

Isaac:  “Bring me the food /wine and give ol dad a kiss!”  (sniff)  Hmm, you smell like the field, uhm, since God blessed my fields, you therefore smell like God.  Yay.”

Jacob got his dad’s blessing and buggered off when Esau showed up.

Isaac:  “Who is it?”

Esau:  “Me, Esau.”

Isaac:  “Who?  Then who the hell just fed me?!  I just went and blessed that guy and everything.”

Esau:  “Grrr!  Bless me too!”

Isaac:  “Must have been your brother.”

Esau:  “Bastard Jacob stole my birthright, now this?  Am I getting a blessing or not?”

Isaac:  “Can’t give two, sorry.”

Esau:  “Come on, that’s stupid.”  He cried and begged pathetically.

He got some bullshit blessing about living off the land and being his brothers servant. Then Esau pissed off.

Esau said he’s gonna kill Jacob’s ass once dad is dead.

Rebekah told her son Jacob that Esau is on the warpath, that he better run off to Laban, her brother in Haran.

“Stay low till the heat blows off – once he’s calm again, I’ll send word and bring you back.” – Rebekah to Jacob.

This part ends with Rebekah bitching to Isaac about Jacob marrying a daughter of Heth – saying it was a bad idea.

Part 28

Isaac then told Jacob not to marry a daughter of Canaan (what about Heth? What the fucking fuck is going on here?!)

He told Jacob to go to Padan-aram and get a wife from Laban (didn’t he live in Haran?  This is so stupid).  So, off he went (after the usual rhetoric).

Esau got wind of this “no marrying daughters of Canaan” thing and his evil mind started thinking.  He went to Ishmael (who had a bone to pick with Abraham and his ilk), anyway he married some girl there.

Jacob left Beer-sheba and headed to Haran.  He used rocks as pillows.  He dreamed that there was a ladder that went up to heaven, saw angels going up and down it.  God stood above this ladder, said “I’m God!  Your dad’s lands are now yours!”

Jacob woke up, took the rocks he had as pillows, then made a pillar out of them.  (how many pillow rocks did he use?!)  Oh, he poured oil on it, for some reason.

Ok, so, um, that place was called Luz, and it’s Beth-el now.

Jacob said something to the effect that he’s ok with God as long as God is ok with him, and his rock pillar/pillow thingy was to become a place of worship, or something to that effect.

Part 29

Jacob sallied forth to the east.  He saw some sheep shaving thing next to a well that had a large rock on it.  Uh…

Either Jacob started asking the sheep where their masters were, or he just started yelling (not sure).

Oh, right, looks like there were people there all along.  He asked if they knew where to find leban (not exactly the kind of incognito activity you’d want to do if you were in the witness protection program like he was), and wanted to know how he was doing.

Laban’s daughter Rachel was there, they were busy looking after the stupid animals.  She ran home to tell her dad while dad’s goons or people or whatever watered the livestolk.  Oh yea, that’s after Jacob and Rachel made out.

Jacob eventually made it back to Laban’s house, and stayed there a month.  After a month of loafing around, Laban put Jacob’s lazy ass to work.

Laban had two daughters.  Leah (old and tender eyed) and Rachel (hot).  Jacob had a boner for his cousin Rachel, and said his wages for 7 years of service would be sweet sweet can of Rachel. Can.  Sweet.  Can.

7 years went by pretty quick for Jacob – cause that ass just kept looking better everyday.  So, naturally, Jacob was hornier than a goat in springtime.  Year 7 day 1 he said “Give me my wife!  Me so horny!”

Anyway, that night they got married and Jacob got her PLUS the old cow Leah (no one wanted her), to use as her hand maiden.

Ha!  Laban tricked Jacob – he woke up next morning and found Leah there.  He was pissed off, naturally.

Laban gave Jacob some bullshit excuse about having to marry the oldest one off first.  First in first out rule of product shelving, you know.  Anyway, he offered Rachel for reals this time if he worked just one more week.

So, he got both sisters and some hand maiden named Bilhah.

Obviously, Jacob liked Rachel more.  And that just can’t happen.  So, God fucked them both over by making the ugly one fertile and the beautiful one barren.

Leah had a son named Reuben.  She thought having a baby will make Jacob love her.  But, Jacob was an asshole, and giving him children didn’t matter.

She had another son, Simeon, and another named Levi, and another named Judith.

Part 30

Women back then (and some today) were evil bitches.

Rachel was one of them.  Though you can blame God fuck fucking her over and making her barren.

So, well, Rachel threatened Jacob that she wanted a kid or that she was going to off herself.

Oh fuck, here we go.  Jacob was pissed at Rachel being emo, so Rachel let Jacob bang the maid Bilhah (nothing can go wrong here, right Ishmael?).

Anyway, Jacob totally railed Bilhah and they had a kid named Dan.

Line 8 here makes no sense.  Did Rachel and Leah have a tickle fight with some guy named Naphtali?  I dunno.

Heh, Leah having none of the maid-sharing business just belonging to Rachel, gave her maid to Jacob to bone.

And Jacob did boneth Leah’s hand maiden Zilpah and they had a son named Gad.  Oh, they had two kids – the other was Asher (a daughter).

Seriously, would Jacob just have sex with whoever is brought his way?  I have no moral qualms against this, but it seems to just piss the women off.  But in a world without cable or internet porn all you had for entertainment was sex.

Ok – so now one of the kids named Reuben was in the field and found mandrake roots.  More drama ensues.

Rachel (to Leah) “Can I have your son’s mandrakes?”

Leah:  “Bitch please, you take my husband now you want my son’s mandrakes!”  (this is why polygamy just simply doesn’t work here people).

Rachel:  “Ok, I’ll let you have Jacob’s man meat tonight is sexchange for the mandrakes.”

I guess Rachel literally owned Jacob’s balls.

Lo and behold!  Leah and Jacob had sexual intercourse that night, and another son was born.  Yeesh, they reproduce like rabbits.  Kids name was Issachar.

Oh, she had another one too, totally different event from the mandrake incident, but that kid was named Zebulun.

Leah, being the babby factory that she was, had another kid, daughter named Dinah.

For some reason, God was no longer pissed at Rachel, so she got pregnant and had a son named Joseph.

After having 8 trillion kids, finally Rachel got one of her own.  Jacob had it with that place, and asked Leban to get out of there and head back home.

Jacob (to Laban):  “Let me grab my family and go.”

Laban:  “Ok, how much do I owe you for all the work?”

Jacob:  “I’ll take the cows.  Well, I just want the speckled and spotted cattle, brown sheep, speckled and spotted goats, yeah, that’ll do.”

Laban:  “Ok.”

Line 37 onward is odd.  He took his loot and walked 3 days away from Laban’s place.  Jacob then got some wood sticks, marked them white, and said “made the white appear which was in the rods.”  Which is nonsense and doesn’t make sense.

So he put these magic stick things in the watering trough where the animals drank from, so that they would get pregnant.  (what kind of sorcery is that?)

Maybe the magic rods got livestock horny or something?  Cause that night there was a crazy animal orgy going on, let me tell you.

Jacob took only the strong cows with him, and left the loser cows for Laban.  Jacob became a baller from all that loot.

Part 31

This pissed Laban’s sons off, because Jacob stole all their good shit.

God told Jacob to make haste and head home.  Jacob bitched to his main wives Rachel and Leah that their crazy old dad changes his mind like a girl changes clothes, and that if he fucks with his shit his boy God will really make his life a living hell.

In a dream, God mumbled some nonsense to Jacob about the animals being his, and to get out of dodge quickly.

Rachel and Leah’s obvious response to all this cattle/sheep stealing was “what’s in it for us?”

Calamity ensued.  Jacob strapped all his wives and kids to camels, and packed the loot up and made a run for daddy’s home in Canaan.

Laban was out shaving sheep, and Rachel was there with some stolen artwork, to add to her husband’s stash.  (I think).

After 3 days Laban found out Jacob robbed his ass and took off.  So, he gathered up a lynch mob and ran after him.  Took 7 days, but the mob caught up with them.  (notice the #s 3 and 7 over and over and freakin over).

Laban got a dream message from God.  Cryptic, it said “take heed that thou speak not to Jacob either goof or bad.”  Ok…

Stand off time.  Jacob was set up “in the moment.”  While Laban and his cronies were on Mount Gilead, drama like what we see in modern day “professional” wrestling ensued.

Laban (To Jacob):  “You’re an asshole.  You robbed me, carried my daughters off at sword point, snuck away without saying goodbye.  Hell, I would have given you a big party!”  (He reminds me of my old neighbours.  They hate me now because I was posted away and didn’t say bye to them when I left.  Very old fashioned, pushy, nosey, annoying people.)

“I couldn’t even give my kids a goodbye kiss!  I outta kill your ass, but your stupid God warned me not to do it.  So, let’s skip this and just tell me where you have all my stolen goods and we’ll be done here.”

Jacob:  “I ran off because you’re insane (like my neighbours) and probably would have taken my wives away from me.”

The next phrase is hard to understand.  “With whomever thou findest thy gods, let him not live:  before our brethren discern thou what is thine with me, and take it to thee.” (line 32)

Whoever finds their gods should die, in front of our family what is yours is with me, and to take it back.”

Whoever translated that was high on ether.  Anyway, Jacob didn’t know about Rachel’s kleptomania (the pretty ones are always crazy).

Rachel was no fool, she hid the artwork in the furniture and sat on it, while Laban’s goons searched the place.  She said:  “Don’t get insulted if I don’t get up off this heavy stack of furniture, this stack of furniture what could easily be hiding your stolen goods you are looking for, cause you know women aren’t allowed to stand up, right?”

Laban’s men found nothing, and it was Jacob’s turn to yell at Laban.  It was a pretty good ‘take this job and shove it’ speech.

Jacob:  “WTF asshole!  Why did you even come after me?!  You looked throught all my shit, and what did you find?  Nothing!  20 years man!  I never touched anything of yours in all that time (cept your daughters eh heh heh).  You know the shit I had to deal with all those years?  Beasts, burning sun, freezing cold, no sleep, 20 years!  14 years for 2 wives (one he was tricked into marrying, what about that 1 week thing – yet another hole in this ridiculous plot) and another 6 years for some cows, and my wages have changed 10 times!  Oh man, my boy God is gonna have it with you!”

Laban:  “All your base are belong to Laban.”

Uh… so Jacob and his family made a pillar of rocks (heap of rocks).  Laban called this group of rocks Jegar-sahadutha, Jacob called it Galeed (wtf is going on?).

Laban said: “This pile of rocks is a witness between you and me today!  So forget about last sentence about me calling this thing Jegar-sahadutha, it’s really called Galeed!”

Uh… someone named Mizpah said God is gonna keep an eye out between you (who?) and me, when we are away.

Laban:  “If you mess with my daughters, if you take any other wives, ugh God will be the witness here!  This pile of rocks is the witness that I won’t come after you, and you won’t come running after me.”

I think this is kinda like the old ‘draw a line in the sand’ thing.  Jacob stays on his side, and Laban stays on the other.  Jacob really has a history of lying, cheating and stealing, so I don’t think Laban is that crazy to be angry at him.

A few Gods are mentioned here (same ones maybe?)  “God of Abraham” “God of Nahor” “God of their father” – all got together and witnessed Jacob swear to abide by those rules.

They made a sacrifice, and hung around.  That morning Laban kissed his sons and daughters, then left back for home.

Part 32

So Jacob went off, and was waylaid by God’s goons.  For some reason Jacob decided to call the spot where he was intercepted “Mahanaim.”  That’s it.  Nothing happened.  They didn’t say or do anything there.

Jacob sent messages to his old brother Esau, who was living in Edom.  Basically, he told his messengers to tell Esau that he was staying with Laban and he’s done with that place now.

He told them to say he was a rich cow pimp, and maybe he’ll be too impressed to still be mad at him.

Later the messengers returned and told Jacob that Esau was coming to meet him, with 400 men accompanying him.

Not so pimp now, are we Jacob?  He was shitting himself from fear.  So, he split his people up into two groups – in case one got annihilated the others might be okay.

Jacob said (to God):  “WTF God, you told me to come back here, that you would ‘take care of me.’ ?!  Oh lawd!  Now Esau is gonna kill my ass!  Come on God, what about all those sweet nothings you said to me?!”

So, he got the notion that he could buy Esau off, that it might save him from being killed.  How much did he give him?  “200 she goats, 200 ewes, 20 rams, 30 milch camels with colts, 40 kine (what’s a kine?), 10 bulls, 20 she asses and 10 foals.”

I think his plan was to send the ransom livestock forward of his camp, to put Esau in a good mood by the time he showed up with his army.

That night Jacob took his immediate family and forded Jabback ( name of a stupid stream).  He sent his family over, and stayed alone behind.

Says here he “wrested a man with him until the breaking of the day.”  Gay bum sex?  Nope, just a random dude shows up and they just wrestled all night.

He was losing the fight, and I think his adversary used a cheap shot and “touched the hollow of his thigh”  (the butthole?)  I don’t know, but whatever that body part was, it was out of his joint.

Day broke.  Jacob asked to be let go.  Strange wrestle man wanted a blessing as payment.  Guy asked Jacob’s name.  Guy said “Nah, your name isn’t Jacob anymore, it’s Israel (wtf) – because you are awesome.”

Jacob asked the guy’s name, it was Peniel (Penuel, who knows?)  This is retarded.  Because of Jacob (now Israel) had a bum thigh or whatever, the “children of Israel eat not the sinew which shank, which is the hollow of the thigh, unto this day; because he touched the hollow of Jacob’s thigh in the sinew that shrank.”

Sinew that shrinks in someone’s thigh?  The dick?  So let me get this straight.  A complete stranger walks up to Joseph at night – they wrestle until dawn.  He punched or did something to Jacob’s (now known as Israel) dick, now no one can eat a dick?

Perfect – let the crazy continue.

Part 33

Jacob looked up to see Esau and his goons.  Leah got half the family under her control, Rachel the other half.  He cowardly hid behind the women and children (heh! I love this guy!).  Jacob grovelled pathetically for his life – and Esau came down – they made out and were good friends. (??)

Esau seemed to be over his anger.  They had a nice intro to Rachel, Leah, and all the brats.  The bribe worked!  Esau thanked him for the nice gesture, but said he had enough material wealth and to keep the bribe.

Israel said to keep the bribe, just the same.  Anyway, his people were bagged from the long trip, and slowly made their journey back.  Esau lent Israel some helper people, then returned home.

Line 17 is funny.  They went to Succoth.  They made a house and a barn, therefore the name is called Succoth.  Great logic.

Anyway, they made their way to Shechem (in Shalem, no less), bought a field there (for 100 pieces of money – not silver or anything – just ‘money.’)  They built another pillar there and called it “El-eloche-Israel.”

Part 34

Dinah (Leah’s kid) was out one day and got defiled by the local prince Shechem, son of Hamor the Hivite.

This guy Shechem wanted to marry Dinah.  Jacob (I guess his name is no longer Israel) and his boys got wind of the defiling and were pissed, but waited to act.

Hamor wanted the marriage to go forward and to start interbreeding and to start using the land there.  Shecham offered anything to marry Dinah.

Jacob and his sons lied to Shecham, saying “We’ll let the marriage happen if you and all your people cut your foreskins off.”

This was okay with Hamor, but I think Shecham didn’t agree with it.  Still, they had to convince the people of the city that cutting parts of their dicks off was a wise business decision.  I know it would take some convincing to get me to do that.

They appealed to their sense of greed, saying they’ll basically be rich if they do it.  Good strategy, it worked.  Haha, so when all the males of the city were too sore to defend themselves, Jacob’s sons Levi and Someon went in and butchered every man.  Somehow I don’t believe only 2 guys were able to kill all the males of an entire city in one night, but who cares, that’s the story.

So they killed Hamor and his defiling son Shecham, and dragged Dinah back with them.  Afterwards they went on to “spoil” the city.  I think that means they looted it, cause it says they took all their women and children captive.

Jacob smelled that this might be trouble down the road, cause pillaging an entire city was okay, but they probably had friends elsewhere, and in retrospect Jacob thought that may have been a bit hasty.

I’m not sure what happened to Dinah.  They called her a harlot and should be dealt with.  But how did they deal with harlots back then?

Part 35

God told Jacob to get his ass to Beth-el, back to where he saw his bro Esau.  I suppose some of Jacob’s people were experimenting with other religions.  He wanted to go back to being a Hebrew or whatever they were, to clean up, change clothes, just to haul ass back to Beth-el.

Jacob took all the jewellery and cool idols from his people and kept them for himself – well it said he hid them under an oak tree in Shechem.

They had a mean reputation now, and the countryside was really afraid of Jacob’s lying, murderous, religiously fanatic band of yahoos for some reason.  

Fear kept the little cities in line.  All the while, Jacob made it to Luz, I suppose that’s the same as Beth-el.  Madean altar (El-Beth-el) ???

Rebekah’s nurse Reborah died and was buried under an oak tree named “Alln-bachuth” (odd name for a tree.  In fact – there are very little trees I know of that have names)

God showed up again for no reason and blessed Jacob again for no reason.  God said “Your name is Jacob, you know?  Well, it isn’t anymore – it’s Israel.”

Seriously?  Didn’t Jacob dick wrestle with some random dude earlier and was named Israel then?  This is so bad.  Anyway, God kept rambling: “It’s a me!  God!  Get out there and sex it up!”

I personally like this line:  “…and kings shall come out of thy loins.”  Very touching stuff.

God disappeared again.  So, Joseph made another pillar of stone there and coated it in oil, and made a drink offering there.  That place was then dubbed Beth-el.  (Now I know for a fact the writer here has Alzheimer’s.  Wasn’t Beth-el the same place as Luz, as where they should have been going to in the first place?  You can’t rename a place to the same name it had before, that’s stupid.  It’s like me arriving in Toronto and saying:  “I shall name this place – Toronto.  Because it was named Toronto.  But no longer. It is now Toronto.).

Anyway, from whatever Beth-el they were in, they went onward to Ephrath.  Rachel was having a rough go of it, due to the fact she was pregnant again.  She died in childbirth. Called the kid Ben-oni, but the father renamed him Benjamin.

Oh, right, Eprath is now Beth-lehem.  She was buried under a pillar.

Line 21 - Jacob (Israel) went and “spread his tent beyond the towar of Edar” whatever and wherever the hell that means.  There, Reuben banged his dad’s concubine and they had a kid.

They repeated whose kid was who again in painful detail.  Jacob then went back to the beginning place (?) Mamre, the city of Arbah.

Isaac finally croaked at the age of 180.

Part 36

Now onto Esau.  They said Esau’s generations are Edom.  That makes absolutely no sense.  Anyway, he had 2..no..3 wives – named Adah, Aholibamah and Bashemath.

Aholibamah had jeush, Jaalam and Korah.

Adah had Eliphaz

Bashemath had Revel.

These guys are from Canaan.  I think it says that the sons were too rich to stay together, but at the same time couldn’t branch out because the supporting lands ruler’s couldn’t support all their cattle.

Another retarded line that makes no sense in any context is as follows:  “Thus dwelt Esau in Mount Seir:  Esau is Edom.”

They go on to repeat themselves some more.  Okay, kids of kids.  Eliphaz had Teman, Omar, Zepho, gatam and Kenaz.   This guy Eliphaz had a concubine named Timna and she had Amalek.

Revel had Nahath, Zerah, Shammah, Mizzah.  What?  It then says those kids belong to Baslemeth (Esau’s wife).  This is crazy.  Did mom and son have those kids?

Aholimah (Esau’s wife)  This thing is bouncing all over the place.  Um, well, she had Jeusch, Jaalam and Korah (I remember writing this out before somewhere…)

Now it says Eliphaz’s kids are all dukes. (?)  It goes to list them off by name again – why I have no idea.  They spend the next 4 lines repeating the kids names just adding the word ‘duke’ to the front. Very frustrating to read this.

Seir of Horite (who the hell is this?).  I guess this guy lived in Lotan, Shobal, Zibeon and Anah.  The dukes of Horites (ok?) are:  Dishon, Ezer, Dishar (kids of Seir I guess).

I guess Lotan is a person and a place. The person had two kids – Horiand and Hemam, and a sister named Timna (wasn’t this the concubine last mentioned?).  So I guess he had three.
 
Here are some more random names and offspring listed:

Shobal had Alvan, Manahath, Ebal, Sepho, Onam
Zibeon had Ajah, Anah (she found forest donkeys and fed them to her dad).
Anah had Dishon, Aholibamah (okay???)
Dishon had Hemdan, Eshban, Ithran, and Cheran.
Ezer had Bilhan, Zaavan and Akan.
Dishan had Uz and Aran.

Fuck it, they’re calling them all dukes again, well most of them.  Who cares.

Who became kings?  Bela (his city = Dinhabah).  He died.  Jobab took over.  He died.  Husham took over (you see the pattern?), onto Hadad (he smote Midian in the field of Moab – errr … (whose) city was called Auith.).

Onwards to Samlah then after him to Rehobath.  Saul (who?) died and Baal-hanan took over then onto hadar (his city was Pau).

This was totally incoherent and all over the place.  A bunch more losers are named dukes, and this wraps up this crappy part of Genesis.

Part 37

Jacob was living in Canaan.  It says “these are the generations of Jacob” then it doesn’t talk about any of that, instead tells a random story.

Joseph (17 years old) – something about him feeding the sheep with his family and (I don’t know what) he brought back some evil report.

Seems the family hated Joseph because he was daddy’s favourite. (nice family)

Joseph dreamed that his family really really hated him.  He also dreamed that wheat stood up and bowed to him (??).

His family took this as a threat and that Joseph was gonna all make them his bitch.  This pissed them off.

He dreamed the stars and moon bowed to him (typical teenager) and told them (I bet they hated that).

Yup.  They pretty much hated him for that.

So, one day the family was out feeding the sheep, and Israel told Joseph to go out and see how things were going, to come back, and tell him.  So, off he went.  Some guy was out in the field and asked (ominously, of course)  “What seekest thou?!”

Blablabla they went off looking for the brethren.  I think they found them in Dothan.

When the family saw him they said “Behold this dreamer cometh!”  and they hatched a plot to kill him.  Note to self:  don’t talk to assholes.  They planned to throw him in a pit and say wild animals are him.

Reuben thought killing him was a bad idea – why not just toss him in a pit in the wilderness and let nature take its course?

Joseph had a fancy coat (of many colors).  When they got their stupid grubby peasant hands on him, they tore it off him then threw him in an empty pit.

They saw a trading caravan (Ishmaelites) coming along, carrying with them spices, balms, and myrrh to Egypt.

Judah said “What’s in it for us if we just kill him?  Let’s sell him to the Ishmaeelites.  We just can’t let him die, he’s family after all.”  (Joseph’s family were assholes).

So, yeah, they dragged Joseph out of the pit and sold him to the merchants for 20 silver (not bad).

Reuben came back (he was gone?) and asked where Joseph went.  If anyone answered this stupid book doesn’t say.  One might come later, who knows.

Regardless, they killed a babby goat and put its blood on Joesph’s shiny jacket – bringing it to Jacob saying some wild animals ate him.

The ruse worked, Jacob cried over his “dead” son.  He was inconsolable, and made a trip to see the spot where he was killed.

Meanwhile, Joseph was sold to Potphan, and officer of the Pharaoh and captain of the guard.

Part 38

That dickhead Judah went off and shagged one Canaanite named Shuah who bore him a son named Ur.

They had another named Onan, Shelah (he was born in some place named Chezib).

Er (Ur?) eventually got married to some girl named Tamar.  God killed Er because he was a freak.  Judah told Onan to bang Er’s wife so Er can have a son.

They shagged alright, but Onan gave Tamar a facial or something instead so no babby was conceived.

God hates facials so he killed Onan.  Judah then told Tamar to go back to his place and stay there to help raise Shelah.

This is fucked up  “The daughter of Shuah Judah’s wife died.”  WTF is that?!

Whoever that was, Judah wasn’t that phased, and went out to shave some sheep with his friend Hirah.

So, Tamar took off her mourning outfit, covered her face, and sat “in an open place” and saw Shelah all grown up with no wife.

Judah saw this girl with a covered face and thought she was a whore (ok?)  Judah loves whores, and asked her how much for a girlfriend experience.  (he didn’t know she was Tamar, you see).

She was game, and said “What will you give me?”

Judah:  “Baby goat.”

Tamar:  “I’m thinking jewellery – your ring, bracelets, and that staff you have.”

That horny bugger Judah agreed (he was obviously thinking with his pant-staff).  So, they did it, and he blew his load in her, and she got pregnant.

She left, went back and got changed into her widow clothes.

Anyway, Judah sent his friend Adulamite to deliver the goat to the nice prostitute, but he couldn’t find her.  He asked around an no one saw any harlot, so he returned.

3 months go by and word get round that Tamar was the whore.  “Behold!  She is with child by whoredom!”  Great line.  I want that on my epitaph.

So, they brought her out to be burnt.  She revealed her trump card – the ring, bracelet and staff!  Ugh, not sure here, but seems she got away with it because Jacob never gave Shelah the boy to her as a husband.

She had twins.  First one to come out for a red threat put around his hand.  Boy number two came out.  They went and said a bunch of weird shit and named the first kid Pharex and the second Zarah.

Part 39

Back to Joseph.  Remember he was sold off in part 37?  God was nice to Joseph (lol) and his Egyptian masters say him as a good luck charm, and he was soon promoted to overseer of the house.

They were doing pretty well off for themselves.  Master’s wife wanted to bang him.  “Lie with me.” She says.  He refused saying something to the effect of not mixing business with pleasure.

He said to her something like:  “I’m the baws, and how can I do such a bad thing? (what a loser, no wonder his family hated him).

So, he resisted her womanly wiles for a bit.  She was like some sorta sexy Egyptian female spider. She built a sexy web to trap Joseph.

He went in the house one day, and none of the men were around.  She pounced on him and grabbed her clothes begging for his man meat.  Joseph, being the little gay fag, ran off with her holding his rags..

So, what does a woman do when she’s rejected sexually?  She cries rape, and the husband heard this and got real pissed.

They tossed Joseph into prison.  The prison keeper liked Joseph and treated him pretty good (praise God!).

Part 40

For whatever reason, the king of Egypt got pissed off at his chief baker and butler.

He made them a ward of the captain of the guard (Joseph’s old boss), and they were thrown in jail alongside Joseph.  They stayed in there “a season.”  (3 months?)

Both these idiots dreamed something one day – next morning they saw Joseph and felt emo.  Joseph asked “why the long face?”

They said “we dreamed something, but no one is here to interpret it.”

Joseph said something about God being pretty good at interpretations, and since God and him were buddies, to tell him.

Chief Butler:  “In my dream, a vine was before me.  A vine of 3 branches, and out of it burst grapes.  The Pharaoh’s cup was in hand, he pressed the grapes into the cup.”  (talk about working too much – you even dream about it).

Joseph:  “3 branches mean 3 days till Pharaoh says you are free and again will be butlering Pharaoh.  Don’t forget ol’ Joseph and put in a good word to Pharaoh to spring me outta this shit hole!  You know I was kidnapped you know, and I’m totally innocent of all charges.”

Chief Baker’s turn:  “I had 3 white baskets over my head.  Top basket had bakemeats (yuk), but the birds ate them out of the basket.”

Joseph: “3 baskets mean 3 days (again, really?).  And one day three Pharaoh is going to hang your ass, and the birds are going to eat your flesh.” Yikes.

So, after 3 days it was the Pharaoh’s birthday.  He held a party for his servants – put the chief baker and butler at the head of the servants table.  Chief Butler got his old job back, and the Baker hung,  and the Butler totally forgot about Joseph leaving him to rot in prison.

Well, that sucks.

Part 41

2 years later, Pharaoh dreamed he was standing by a river.  7 fat cows came out of the river and ate in the meadow (ok).  Then 7 skinny ugly cows came out and stood next to the nice ones.

The sickly ones killed and ate the healthy ones, freaking Pharaoh out and waking him up.

He went back to sleep, dreamt of 7 healthy ears of corn on a stalk.  (see a pattern?)  Then 7 thin ugly ears that were blasted with an east wind came after them and ate the healthy ones.  This time, Pharaoh was awake for good.

Pharaoh was startled with this dream, and sent for all his “magicians (not rabbit out of a hat kind I guess)” and wise guys, and asked for an interpretation.

None could interpret this (Oh! Can I guess what happens next?!  Does the Pharaoh get to ask Joseph for an interpretation?!  Let’s read ahead and see…)

Yup!  Chief Butler said “Oh shit!  I totally forgot about Joseph!”  he recounted the story back in part 40, and Pharaoh brought forward Joseph to interpret.

They shaved him, gave him fresh clothes and quickly threw him at the Pharaoh.

Pharaoh:  “They say you interpret dreams.”

Joseph:  “Nah, God does it.”

Pharaoh then retold his dream sequence (word for word, reminds me of the Ilian – maybe the Bible was meant to be read aloud?) Oh, he added the scary part about his dream was the freak/sickly cows were still horrible looking after they ate the nice looking ones.

Ok, so Joseph heard this and said “God showed you what you are about to do.”

7 good cows mean 7 good eyars, and after that 7 bad cows mean 7 bad years.  (Really, God couldn’t come up with an easier dream?  And the numbers mean time again?  Laaammeee).

Oh yeah, and the famine will be horrid.

This scared Pharaoh out of his mini-skirt, cause there nothing that can be done to quell God’s thirst for death and destruction.

He suggested he guy a guy to go around during the good years and store up foor in the cities, so when the famine hits it won’t be the end of the world.

Pharaoh and his flunkies were okay with this.  “Hmmm…who would be a good man for the job?”  (Joseph was probably dancing around with his hand in the air yelling ‘Me! Me! Memememememe!!’)

Yup, Joseph got the job cause of his discreetness and wiseiness.

Oh yeah, Pharaoh gave Joseph rings, necklaces, new clothes, sweet new ride (chariot), and everyone was made to worship his dick.

He got a little drunk with power, when he bellowed “I am Pharaoh, and with out thee shall no man lift up his hand or foot in all the land of Egypt!”  (modern translation = “YessssSss!  Power!  Absolute POWERRRR!  Ahahahaha!”)

His new thug name was “Zaphanth-paaneoh” and given a royal hoe named Asenath (daughter of Pot-pherah, priest of On. Oh yea, married a preacher’s daughter I see).

Joseph went around the land thuggin.  In the 7 years of plenty he gathered grain.  He got so much of the stuff he couldn’t keep count of it all.

He had two kids – Manasseh (God made me forget all that shit I had to deal with in the joint) and Ephraim (God made me a baller in the place where I arrived a prisoner).  Not sure on the name/reasoning here, but I’m ignant in the Hebrew language.

7 years came and went, and then “dearth was in the lands.”  Dearth?  Okay.

Despite this, people had food to eat.  People were starving and asking Pharaoh for bread – and he pointed to Joseph.  (nice idea, if Joseph failed they would be pissed at him, not Pharaoh).

Still – famine wasn’t just in Egypt, but all around, and people came all around to get food.

Part 42

Back to Jacob.  While this was going on, he noticed that there was corn in Egypt, and asked his sons “what’s all the fuss?”

Jacob:  “Get your flea bitten asses to Egypt and get me food, I’m freakin starving here!”

10 of Josephs kids went down to buy some.  Joesph’s brother Benjamin stayed behind – in case the rest were killed or something along the way.

So, Joseph’s brethren came to see him, they bowed down before his excellence.  He recognized them, sorta, and spoke very rudely to them.

Joseph:  “Where are you assholes from?”

Bros:  “Canaan.” (Now he knew it was his asshole family.  They didn’t recognize him though – as he was decked out in bling, oh but he knew them!)

Joseph:  “Spies!!  To come spot out our weaknesses!”

Bros:  “Nooo!  Just hungry merchants, all sons of one guy!”

Joseph:  “To spot our weaknesses!”

Bros:   “12 siblings here, youngest are with their dad in Canaan.”

Joseph:  “Spies!  I’ll lock you up, and see if your brother comes to get you.  Send one out to get your brother and bring him back.  The rest of you go to prison.  If you lying sumbags have any decency in you, else not you are all spies.”

He locked them up for 3 days, and told them to send one guy back with some food, and word to bring back their youngest brother.

The Bros said to each other “we basically deserved this.”  Reuben spoke “I told you assholes not to do all that to him.”

But “Behold, also his blood is required!” I guess that meant that they gotta kill their little brother.  Maybe they thought the little one was upset for not coming along and passed the word along that they were spies?

They didn’t know that Joseph knew what they were saying, cause he had an interpreter there and used him to speak to them.

That pussy Joseph started crying, he released Simeon, bound him up, had all the money returned and sacks filled with corn, but with the money on the top of the corn bag.

When one guy when to feed his donkey, he reached into the sack to find his money, then said “A ha!  They were so afraid of us God bros that they even gave us our money back!  Suckers!  Wait a minute, why again did God do this for us?”

They got back to Jacob and said  “the head honcho there called us spies, we said we weren’t, so he kept one as prisoner (Simeon?), gave us the food.  He wants your younger brother, and once he gets him, we’ll be in the black.”

They were a little nervous about still getting the corn for free.  Um, basically, Jacob ordered Benjamin away and Reuben said that they could kill his 2 sons if he failed to bring Benjamin back.

I don’t know what line 36 means here, it’s nonsense and gibberish.

Part 43

So, yes, bad famine.  People starving, all that jazz.  Jacob and his greedy rat family ate all the food and were sent back to buy some more.

Judah:  “We better not show up without your brother there.  He goes, we go.”

Israel (Jacob) answered in incoherent nonsense.  Judah made the point that things were pretty bad, they needed food and this was a matter of life and death – not pride.  He said he’ll look after the little guy, and take responsibility for him.

Jacob replied to this:  “Fine.  But take all the best shit we have – fruit, a little present, balm, spices, honey, myrrh, nuts and almonds too.  Plus, double the money we had last time, just in case they returned the money to us by accident.  Take your brother and get the hell out of here.  If they die, they die, fuck it.”

So, off they went and again met Joseph.  When he saw little Benjamin he said:  “Bring there men home, and slay, and make ready; for these men shall dine with me tonight.”  I have no idea why he said “and slay.”  The rest of it makes sense but does “Take these guys home, and kill, and get ready because they’re eating dinner with me tonight.”  The “and kill” part is stupid and makes no sense.

Anyway, the nervous bunch was corralled into Joseph’s house, all the while mumbling about bringing the extra cash and how they totally meant to pay but it wasn’t their fault blablabla.

Joseph said it was all God’s work (it wasn’t), and not to worry, and brought out Someon wearing a gimp suit (kidding, not sure how he was treated in prison).

So, they all had a foot bath, and shoved some provender up their asses.  Wait – no, this means they simply fed their donkeys hay.  Stupid middle English.

When Joseph showed up at noon, these guys cowered before Joseph and gave him the gifts.

Joseph:  “How is your dad?  He alive?”

Bros:  “Yeah, he’s fine.”  All the while bowing pathetically.

Joseph:  “This is the younger brother you spoke of?”

WTF, Joseph then had a nervous break down there, for some reason, then ran off to his room to cry.  I like this line “for his bowels did yearn upon his brother.”  Not sure what that means exactly.  He wanted to give Benjamin a hot carl?

Anyway, Joseph had his crying session, fixed himself up, and went abck out.  The Egyptians would never ear bread with Hebrews (this was an abomination – like Snoop Dogs flunkies being allowed to smoke Snoops weed).

Anyway, they sat there and ate where they should have.  What is a messes? Whatever a messes is, Benjamin got 5 times what the others got.  I guess that’s weird because usually the old ones got the good stuff and the young ones got crap.  No matter, it was an okay time.

Part 44

Joseph did the same shit again about filling their sacks with corn and returning the money.  Also, he had his silver cup put in the top of the youngest brothers sack.

He told his steward to follow them after they were sent away that morning – to ride up to them and say “Wherefore have you rewarded evil for good?”  (I suppose this means something to the effect of ‘have you ever done something nice to someone for them something bad to you?’)  Anyway, he carries on, but I’m not sure what it means, exactly.

It’s an accusatory phrase, meant to say that those guys are evil shit heads, or thereabouts.

So, they guy overtook him, said the words.  The brothers mentioned that again, the money was returned and how could they steal when all their money was given back?

Oh, right, so Joseph’s guy is accusing the brothers of stealing, and they’re denying it, and so now they’re going to search the bags (oh no!  Benjamin!  You’ve been set up!)

They found the cup with Benjamin, (said “rent their clothes” – this doesn’t mean they went to a store and rented them some banana hammocks – means they tore their clothes off them) they tore up all their clothes, and sent them back to the city.

They were tossed to the ground before Joseph.  He said to them:  “What the fuck were you thinking?  So you know who I am?  I’m the magic-diviner, bitch!  I can read minds, bitch!”

Judah:  “We’re fucked.  Uh, we all serve God, so not sure what’s going on here.  Why don’t you keep the thief as a servant?”

Judah walked up to Joseph and said “let me whisper something to you, you big sexy man, don’t get mad, we know you’re cool.  You ARE cool, right?”

This is kind of confusing, but I think Joseph asked about the dad, I think they said that their dad is old, the mother is dead/same with the brother, and the little guy is all that’s left for him.

So, Joseph asked to bring the old man to the city.  They said that Benjamin couldn’t stay in Egypt, cause that would kill the old guy.

They repeated the whole sob story over and over again about the original deal, about the starving people.

The writing here is terrible.  I think it says something like the old guy is sad for losing one son awhile ago to wild beasts (Joseph) and can’t handle another loss.

Oh, I get it.  Joseph and Benjamin were from the same mother (Rachel, I think), so they’re closer related.  Rachel was Joseph’s favourite so those kids were his favourite, also why Joseph went through the trouble of getting his little brother back.  Anyway.

Part 45

Joseph broke down (Niagra falls!) and wailed like a toddler.  He couldn’t hold it anymore, and spilled the beans about being the Joseph that they sold into slavery.

Joseph:  “Don’t be sad, or angry with yourselves, that I was sold here.  God sent me here to do this job and save everyone from starvation.  2 years of famine so far, and there’s 5 more to go.  So, God put me here to save your sorry asses.  God pretty much gave me Egypt to play with like a harp.  Ah-ha-ha-ha!  Now, send the family to Grushan where you will stay forever!  There I can take care of you, make sure you don’t fuck everything up.  Now, get back to your dad and tell him:  I’M BA-ACK!”

Lots of kissing and hugging.  Pharaoh heard about this and was happy to hear the news.  He told Joseph to head to Canaan, take the family and bring them back.  “Remember, you serve Egypt first, not just family” Pharaoh reminded.

So, yeah, they all moved – got new clothes (Benjamin got 300 silver and 5 raiments!).  They told Jacob all this, and the old man fainted.  He couldn’t believe it, till he saw the carts then believed it.

What I don’t get is why Joseph fucked with his family so much in the beginning – except to test the waters and see how bad they were, and how the old man was.  A little unnecessary, but whatever.

Part 46

So Israel and his kin moved to Beer-sheba and sacrificed to their hungry God.  That night god spoke to him.

God:  “Jacob.  Wake up, idiot!  Jacob!  It’s me, God.  Don’t be afraid to go to Egypt, it’ll be fine.  I’ll go with you to Egypt, then probably bring you back, I haven’t decided yet.  Joseph will put his hand upon your eyes.”

Not sure what that means “hands upon your eyes.”  - something to do with dying and Joseph clothing he eyes after he croaks, me thinks,

So, up they went, packed their stuff into the Pharaoh’s wagon and set off.  Oh no, they go onto list every idiot member of this family that went into Egypt.  I really want to skip this part, but I wont.

Here goes:  Jacob, Eruben, Hanoch, Pallu, Hezron, Carmi, Simeon, Jemuel, Jamin, Ohad, Jachin, Zohar, Shaul, Levi, gershon, Kohath, Merari, Judah, Er, Onan (aren’t they dead?), Shelah, Pharez, Zarah, uuhh… Pharez, Hezron, Hemul, Issachar, Tula, Phuvah, Job, Shimron, Zebulun, Sered, Elon, Jahleel, Leah (what?  They had 33 kids in total?  What was all this ‘seeds greater than the stars’ crap?), Gad, Ziphion, haggi, Shuni, Ezbon, Eri, Arodi, Areli, Asher, Jimnah, Isuah, Iswi, Beriah, Serah (their sister), Heber, Malchiel, Zilpahm, Jacob, and 16 others.  Joseph, Benjamin (we knew this, stupid book!)

Blablabla Benjamin had Belah, Becher, Ashbel, Gera, Naaman, Ehi, Rosh, Muppim, Huppim, Ard.

Dan had Hushim, Naphtali had Jahzeel, Guno, Jezer, and Shillem.

The total was 70 people.  So, anyway, they went to Goshen.  Joseph got his ride ready and went out to meet them.  They both met and it was a real heart felt moment.

Israel (Jacob) said “Ok, I can die now.”

Joseph wanted to show Pharaoh his motley crew.  “Obviously the men are shepherds, but what about you.  What ARE you?  And you’ll say:  ‘Cattle rustlin’ mostly, since forever.  But still, Egyptians hate shepherds, like lobsters hate melted butter.”  (ominous music)

Part 47

Joseph went and told his boss Pharaoh that his family up and moved and are now hanging out in Goshen.  He presented 5 of his men to him.

Pharaoh:  “What’s your profession?”

Men:  “Shepherds.  Canaan is a shit hole.  Nothing for animals to eat.  Can we stay in Goshen?”

Pharaoh (to Joseph):  “Sure, let them stay.  Bring some men to help me raise my cattle too, okay?”

Joseph brought in the old geezer Jacob to meet Pharaoh.

Pharaoh(to Jacob):  “How old are you?”

Jacob:  “Uh…130.”  (He says more than this but it’s just whiny gibberish).  He blessed Pharaoh and left.  (What’s this Pharaoh’s name, anyway?)

So, Pharaoh gave his family the “Land of Ramses” – best damned place there was back in those barbaric hellish times.

Still, the famine raged on, wrecking devastation.  Joseph and his family ate well though.  So, they ran out of bread.  Then I think hyperinflation set in (“the money faileth’d”) Not sure.  Maybe they tried to pay off the people with money instead of bread, I dunno.

So, uh, they brought the cows out, gonna use them instead of grain.  They traded bread for horses, flocks, cattle and asses.  That fed them another year.

Next year rolls around and the people ate everything, while Joseph now has all their cattle, flocks, etc.  Now what?  They have nothing left to give but their bodies and land.

They sold themselves into slavery for the Pharaoh to live another year.  “All your base are belong to Pharaoh.”

Now all the land belonged to Pharaoh, and he migrated people from the cities to all over the country.

Only ones left who owned any land were the priests, because they had their land assigned to them through the Pharaoh.  They had food rations too.

Joseph said to the people:  “Ah ha!  You are now all my zombie slaves!  Take your pathetic seeds – you shall serve Pharaoh and me FOREVER! AH ha ha ha!  Now get to work, scum!  Oh yes, 1/5 of your work goes to Pharaoh, 4/5 to you.”

People:  “Yay!  We’re saved!  We love Pharaoh!”

So, there Israel stayed in Goshen and lived pretty well.  Jacob lived there 17 years to the age of 147.  “And the time grew nigh that Israel must die.”  Not that he had be, uh, “removed”, but I think it means his old ass was gonna quit now.

Jacob (to Joseph):  “Put your hand under my thigh (ugh…) and please don’t bury me in Egypt.  Instead, go to where I was born.  SWEAR IT!”  Joseph agreed.

“And Israel bowed himself upon the bed’s head.”  Does this mean that he bashed his head against the bed post?  Or does it mean he shat on the post?  Who knows, who cares.  That should have been the end of Jacob, but it wasn’t.

Part 48

Joseph went out and told everyone ol Jacob was sick.

This book sucks.  Ok, so Joseph took 2 sons – Manasseth and Ephraim.  Where?  Who knows.  Why?  Not a clue.  Whatever, onwards.

One of em told Jacob something, I dunno what, but he liked it and actually sat up in bed.

Jacob then said to Joseph (wait, when did they meet?  Wtf is going on?  Who cares, they’re talking now, ok?)

So Jacob told Joseph about his time in Luz when God showed up and told him he was gonna be a rock star one day.  He mentioned some incoherent babble about his kids, and inheritance, his wife dying.  The old guy was losing it, he saw 2 boys and didn’t recognize that they were Joseph’s sons.  Anyway, he blessed them, kissed and gave them a hug.

Oh, he probably didn’t recognize them because he was pretty much totally blind.  “No!  I thought I’d never see you again, let alone your kids!”  They were little, maybe 2-3 years old.

Long story short – he blessed them.  Ugh, some cultural stuff here.  Jacob put his right hand on Ephraim (younger kid) and pissed Joseph off because that hand goes to the older stronger one.

Jacob wouldn’t let his wise ass son to tell him what’s what.  He said the younger brother is the one bound for greatness.  That was that. Israel finished off with:

“Behold!  I die!  No wait, there’s more.  God will bring you back to the land of your fathers and you get an extra thing (not sure what) which I robbed from some old lady using my sword and bow.”  How nice J

Part 49

Jacob called a family meeting, so he can go over who gets what after he dies.

“Reuben, kid #1.  You suck.”

“Levi/Simeon.  You’re assholes.  You murdered a man, (the rest in incoherent nonsense, rest assured they got little).”

“Judah:  You are a badass.  You’re family will praise you.  You are the baws.  (more insane  gabbering from Jacob insues).”

“Zebulun – you are a sea person now.”

“Issachar – you are now a beast of burden.”

“Dan – you’re now a judge.  A back stabbing, cruel, conniving, crooked judge.  You snake! You’re a snake Dan!  HisssSSss!!”

“Gad – you will be brutally beaten to death.”

“Asher – Grow an epic beard, and ’yield royal dainties.”  (wtf)

“Naphtali – (I think he’s saying he’ll be some sort of liberal arts major).

“Joseph is out goose that lays the golden eggs.  People hated him, but he became stronger because of it.”

Ok, this part is weird and cryptic. He says that angry archers shot at him cause they hate him, then he mentions his bow (Joseph wasn’t one of the archers, did he even have a bow?!).  Whatever, some gay bow is strong because the God of Jacob (this one different than the other ones?) is now the shepherd and the stone of Israel).  That made no sense to me.

He goes on and on blessing Joseph, I won’t repeat them all because it’s stupid.

“Benjamin – you’re a wolf!  Kill in the morning, share at night!”

Line 28 went on to say “Those are the 12 tribes of Israel (wtf).”  No they aren’t.  That was an old man ranting to his kids before he died.  This book is so unbelievably retarded.

Anyway, he asked to be buried in that field where his family is at, you know, THE CAVE OF MACHPELAH.

Blablabla they describe the save again (in case we forgot).

And, with everyone around him, Jacob croaked (finally).

Part 50

“And Joseph fell upon his father’s face, and wept upon him, and kissed him.”  (frisky!)

They embalmed Jacob (like the old Egyptian method of mummification?  That would make sense considering Joseph’s high positional power and the land they were living in, I guess).

Took 40 days to preserve his old carcass, and they had 70 days of mourning (1 for each kid of his, I suppose?)

After all that, he went to ask for permission to bury his father in … (drum roll)  THE CAVE OF MACHPELAH.

Pharaoh wasn’t a total asshole, so he let him go, and brought along quite the consort (all of Pharaoh’s servants and elders).

So, they all went out (except the wee ones and the animals, of course) left Goshen for … that cave.  It was quite the funeral procession.  Chariots, horsemen, the whole shebang.

They made it to some random threshing floor in Atad and stayed there 7 days to cry.  For some reason the locals afterward called it Abel-mizraim.

Anyway, they buried him there no problem, and headed back to Egypt.  After that Joseph’s stupid family got nervous again that he would remember the whole selling him into slavery bit and punishing them, but so they sent him a letter saying (via messenger)  “You dad said before he died to forgive us.  So, um. Forgive us, please.”

Joseph got a bit emotional and cried when he heard this.  His family then bowed down before him.   HEY!  The dream came true!  The prophesy has been fulfilled!!
 
Everyone did bow to him!  (To be fair, they’ve been doing it since the first time they met him in Egypt, but whose counting?)

Not one to hold a grudge, Joseph forgave them (again), and said some comforting shit to them.

So, he lived in Egypt till he was 110, and helped raise 3 generations of kinfolk.

Near the end, Joseph said to his family  “I die now, but God will somehow bring you back to where Abraham came from.”

And, well, he died, was thrown in a coffin and buried in Egypt.

The End


Stay tuned to the next part:  ‘Exodus For the Restofus!’